We’ve read a lot of thinkpieces on Rihanna’s video for “Bitch Better Have My Money”. Too many. Some see the seven-minute epic as an empowered black woman reclaiming images of sexualized violence, some think it glorifies violence against women, and I just think it’s a great song with a video that’s too literal of an interpretation to be interesting. All valid perspectives, but some dude named Mario, also known as ‘The Vigilant Christian’ on YouTube, has come through with the most valid take of all, a take so hot it’s already burnt your next seven dinners. I think, deep down, we all suspected it might be true – like, what’s with all the nipples and WEED? – but the hard verdict is finally in: Rihanna is a garbage illuminati satanist incubus.

Following his exposés on Snoop Dogg, Madonna, Jay-Z, and Beyonce as puppets of Satan, The Vigilant Christian (who has quarter of a million subscribers on YouTube) has proved beyond any reasonable doubt that Rihanna is a member of the global elite trying to control people’s minds via symbols and messages of the occult. Turns out her 2007 album Good Girl Gone Bad isn’t an allusion to her transformation from young girl to powerful woman at all – it’s a literal statement of her transformation from a pop star to an actual real life, flesh eating demon. And Jay-Z is to blame.

Mario made a lot of good points in his video thinkpiece, a mere 22 minutes and 10 seconds long (which you can watch here), but here is a handy breakdown of the core points which, you will discover, are very difficult to pick holes in.

POINT 1: How can you be good when your name is “Bad”?

The Vigilant Christian begins his deconstruction of Rihanna the way any self respecting vigilant Christian would: analysing a BuzzFeed headline. As you can see, this writer has paired the phrases “Bad Gal” and “Great Role Model” in the same sentence. He cannot understand why this is so. He is appalled by BuzzFeed’s lack of grasp on the English language and the oxymoronic statement it so clearly makes. The Vigilant Christian, oblivious to Rihanna’s notorious Instagram handle, has taken one look at the facts as presented to him and deduced: lizard person.

POINT 2: “BBHMM” is basically a “how to” guide to killing someone

The Vigilant Christian was so pissed off at this point he lost control of his fidgeting fingers and they committed typo sins. The result was him failing to spell “somehow” correctly, and then failing to spot the mistake once it had been inserted into a powerpoint presentation, and then failing to see it once he had uploaded it to YouTube where he has almost 250,000 subscribers.

POINT 3: Rihanna is a shapeshifter

The takedown is full of eureka moments, and once you watch it you’ll be slapping your leg and wondering how you could have been so stupid. To us, the sheeple, this scene features RiRi rolling her eyes at her captive getting sea sick on her million dollar yacht and throwing up in a bucket, like a nerd. But the academic mind of a vigilant Christian can discern that what is actually happening here: Rihanna is shapeshifting right in front of our eyes. And we all fucking missed it because we were too busy staring at our iPhones and sucking up to evil corporations.

POINT 4: SHE MAKES BLATANT SATANIC HAND GESTURES

And here I was thinking she was just calling someone a wanker.

POINT 6: SNAKES!!!

The Vigilant Christian may not know the name of this publication (“Here she is on the cover of… GG”) but he knows what he sees with his own eyes, and what he sees here is a load of snakes obscuring the biggest snake of all: Rihanna.

POINT 7: She’s affiliated with Jay-Z

Rihanna’s downfall can be pinned on the day she joined Jay-Z’s Roc-A-Fella Records, because logic dictates that – since Jay-Z is an already proven puppet of the global elite (as evidenced by his constant throwing up of triangular hand gestures) – his job on Earth is to transform everyone on his label into “satanic rolemodels”. Sure, Rihanna is not and has never been signed to Roc-A-Fella, but the thing you have to understand about that is SHHHHH!

POINT 8: Would a true non-satanist pose like Baphomet in a photoshoot?

The answer is no. These are absolutely identical images. We’ll be giving prizes to those in the comments section who can determine which one is Baphomet.

Furthermore:

Still not convinced? This comment left underneath the video ought to clear things up: